Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Valentines Day Blues

dear clutter king, 
i have no valentine this year. i have no closet, so my room is filled w/ suitcases overflowing with unfolded clothes. i made christmas presents for my family, but haven't sent them yet. basically, everything's in a disarray. can you help me?? why don't i ever have a valentine??!!
living out of suitcases...

     This sounds a little tragic so we might have to send someone right over. I think in your case you need a nice strong man to take you in his arms and hold you for about ten minutes, clothing optional. Our clutter engineers LOVE folding up women's clothing and we might just be able to get some of those hanging things from Ikea to organize your bras and panties or whatever.
     What kind of presents did you make for your family? (We'll get those to the Post Office by Easter!)You sound very creative--you've just got a little block, honey--you've probably been working hard at your job and haven't had the time or inclination to get into the arts,and thats where the guys are, thats where you will be appreciated  for the creative, succulent, lithe, thoughtful, friendly person that you are, and not just a piece of Valentines Day Meat, though you probably are a very tasty piece of meat too!
     So in review: Go to Ikea, give our clutter engineer a hug, start working 15 minutes a day on one of your creative projects, and all your dreams will come true! (And write that check! No checkee, no huggee!)

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The Clutter Of Sex

     Dear Clutter King,
      My sex life is cluttered: vibrators, strap-ons, whips, chains, viagra, CBT, porn, edible fantasies, anal, oral, auto-afixiation, condoms, gerbils, around-the-world, prostitutes, hanky-panky, patty-cake, and crimson and clover!
     How can I clear up this clutter?
     Signed, Pretty In Pink

     Dear PIP,
     Well PIP that brings us to that age-old question: What is Sex? Is it "I get you off then you get me off" or is it the old "in-out?" We will explore this issue more later 
     So to review: Wash your ceiling, scan your letters onto a disc, get a Mac, and write me a check!... Oh! Did I mention Rachel Maddow?

Computer Solution

     Dear Clutter King,
     Its my computer: to turn it off I have to press "Start." Sometimes all these things pop up when I want to start it. I get a weird virus, I have to update Norton constantly and its really a headache. Why can't it be simpler? Why do I have to go through this Windows hell? My computer is cluttered!
     Signed, Sunny Hills in Trinidad

     Dear SHIT,
     I have one piece of advice for you and all PC users: Get a Mac! That is your only solution. Most people are sheep so they do the microsoft mantra--sad. It might cost a few hundred more but it is "Money well spent," as this local "boutique builder" named Chris used to tell me. Look who invented the freaking iPod? Steve Jobs...I would do Steve Jobs if I weren't involved in so many lesbian three-ways with Rachel Maddow. Yes Rachel has a Mac, what the fuck did you think? Get a Mac and write me a check!

The Music Will Take You Higher

     Dear Clutter King,
     My house is a mess! Where should I start? I don't know where to start. This is really frustrating and confusing.
     Signed, Can't Do It

     Dear CDI,
     First of all you need music: new music, good music, loud music. If you don't have any good new music get a friend to burn you some CDs; if you don't have any friends maybe Rachel Maddow will be your friend, if that doesn't work write me a check.
     Blast the music as loud as you can stand, preferably Ween, Weezer, White Stripes, Mozart, Beethoven, or Mendelssohn and start cleaning the ceiling. Wipe it with a damp rag, rinsing often, then wipe it with a dry rag, changing that one often. You need rags, baby! If the ceiling is high bring in a ladder and reach up. I can virtually guarantee that if you clean your ceiling Rachel Maddow will knock on your door wearing a g-string. Or it could be me--write that check!

Food is Clutter

     Dear Clutter King,
     I read somewhere that clutter is related to diet, food, etc. What do you know about that?
     Signed, Fickle About Future

     Dear FAT,
     That is certainly true: you jam unneeded clutter down your pie hole the same way you pile stuff on your coffee table. You get fat, your coffee table bulges out and Rachel Maddow says no way. Yes FAT, clutter is everywhere: to be free of clutter you have to turn off your TV (don't worry, I have some tasteful nudes of Rachel to hang in your bedroom) and probably write me a check. The other day my friend was over, talking about something, some movie or something and I had to say, "Bobbie, right now you really sound like clutter to me."

PhotoCopy Your Ass

     Dear Clutter King,
     What should I do with all my letters, decades of them in many boxes? I never look at them but I'm saving them for my children and grandchildren to look at some day.
     Signed, Trapped in Time

     Dear TIT,
     I have some bad news for you: no one is going to look at those letters when you die; they are going to be thrown away unless you've passed on your pack rat genes to your children, which is very probable. It'll be a data dump and your heirs will be just as perplexed as you are now. What you need to do is go through them and prioritize them, then when you die your kids can at least save a few bundles of, say, the ones from YOUR grandmother. Or here's another idea: scan every single one to a disc! I'm sure you'd rather be doing Rachel Maddow (smart funny cute liberal--hey what more could we want?) but after a week of scanning they could all be on one little disc! We can put your whole life on one disc,  scan your clutter into cyberspace. And when you're done with that you can hop up on the machine and we'll photocopy your ass--pass THAT down to your grandkids, OK?

Rachel Maddow

     Dear Clutter King,
     I have stuff on all my surfaces, boxes in the living room I haven't unpacked from two moves ago as well as many records and things from my husband who died six years ago. The place is a mess and I haven't vacuumed in a year--how do I start this massive project? I just get over-whelmed thinking about it so I turn on MSNBC and watch Rachel Maddow--isn't she cute?
     Signed, Where To Start?

     Dear WTS
     I was in a duplex apartment that sounds similar to yours the other day. The client was resistant to every change we suggested. She wanted to be FREE of STUFF but she was paralyzed. Finally I told her, "You know, you'd be better off if your house burned down!  Then you would be free, free of all the crap that maybe had some meaning in your life once but you're probably never going to look at again."
     Rachel Maddow? Hey, we'd all like to do Rachel, men and women, but at this point cable news is just holding you back. Turn off the TV and write me a check!